Water, please!

So… I had my first moment of being discouraged this morning when I went to the scale. You see, I am now on my third day of logging everything I eat, staying within my points, and going to the gym… And why am I discouraged? Well yesterday when I stepped on the scale I had an amazing celebration because it said I was already down 3 pounds! 3 pounds!!! In one day!!! I couldn’t believe it – I was on cloud nine! Then I stepped on the scale today and it said I was up a pound and a half again… So in other words, only down one and half pounds total. I was pissed. I have been busting my ass for three days straight and had nothing to show for it but a lousy pound and a half! And then… well then I laughed. I realized that I had been weighing myself each morning (which NO ONE ever recommends), and I had gotten pissed at myself for not losing weight quick enough! I have to realize  that this is going to take time. I have only been doing this for 3 days! 3 days!! It took me well over a year to gain all this weight, and I just demand that it all magically fall off in a matter of a few days? Yea right! Not. Going. To. Happen. I also need to stop obsessively weighing myself. I am going to start weighing myself once a week at the same time. This way I will get the most accurate reading and not get discouraged by that damn number!

This is most likely going to be the hardest thing I will ever work for, for myself. I am aware of this now. This could take months or even years, I have to be okay with that… Then I had a moment of joy after I spoke to a friend of mine. She looks absolutely FANTASTIC. Like, STUNNING. And she lost 90 pounds. She told me that it took her 8 months to lose her initial 80 pounds (which is AMAZING) and she said that she worked her ass off every single day. I thought to myself, 8 months, eh? I can stick with this – I can do this – I CAN DO THIS! I have already pushed myself to get my ass in the gym the past three days which is a battle alone. I pushed through headaches, and fatigue, and every f****** excuse out there the past few days, because I am the QUEEN of excuses. I can do this. I got this. NO EXCUSES. And then I thought, WOW in 8 months I could potentially be at my goal of losing 60 pounds! And then I thought, this could be my last Christmas as a “fat kid”! And then I got so excited! I am so excited to say GOODBYE forever to this weight. I am thrilled to say GOODBYE forever to that lousy pound and a half! I never have to see it again.. ever. I never again have to see my highest weight on the scale… ever… ever again… What a f****** AWESOME feeling!

One day at a time. No excuses.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

I Pledge!

Sore Muscles, Happy Heart

Boy oh boy — I DID IT! I got my booty back into the gym last night, for the first time in months! Yes, I have been paying for this unused gym membership (only God knows why) and have been terrified to get back at it for months, but I took that first step last night and today… well, today I am thrilled! Yes, I probably looked ridiculous — I am not one of those petite little women in their matching sports bra and yoga pants who is on the treadmill breathlessly running 5 miles and hopping off with only a drip of sweat… Nope.. I am probably (my husband would agree) the most uncoordinated person I know. I trip and fall and am just plain awkward when I attempt any physical activity. I didn’t used to be — I used to play all kinds of sports… but then partying and hanging out with friends became so much more fun.. and then college… and then food… and well now I am here. But dammit, I did it. I got back there last night and I worked my buns off on the elliptical for 12 minutes (don’t laugh) and then walked for 20 minutes (no… really… don’t laugh). I was so shocked at how wore out I was after a mere 32 minutes of working out.. In fact, I was pissed at myself! I used to be able to run and run and run… Like 10 years ago. And now I am standing there, exhausted, for doing a minor workout. And then I sucked it up and gave myself a pat on the back. Why? Because I did it. Because I got my ass into that gym and did something. I got moving. I made a decision to turn my life around and it is going to take baby steps to get that going, but these steps will carry me into longer workouts, less weight, and a whole lot more confidence. These steps are simply the building blocks. The building blocks on which I am formulating the NEW ME and my NEW LIFE.

On another note… I had a different kind of wake-up call today as well… I used to think that I would hop on the fitness train and lose the weight I wanted to lose and then hop right back off and be at my perfect weight and everything would be sparkles and butterflies and life would be, well, easy… But that is simply not the truth. I feel more ready for this change now because I realize that it has to be a total lifestyle change. I will most likely, for the rest of my life, have to do physical activity and county points for food in order to maintain whatever place I get to in the end. And on top of that, I realize there is no “perfection” or ending to this. Health is something that can always be improved upon so I realize that this is going to be a continuous learning process. And not only am I okay with all of this, I am excited about all of this! I am thrilled! I get to do this, and I can’t wait to give myself the best gift ever — a healthy body that I am not only confident in, but damn proud of!

Heading back to the gym tonight! Two days in a row – who would’ve thought!?

No excuses. This is for me, and I will do what it takes this time!

Happy Tuesday, Everyone! ❤

#Thinspiration

The Invisible Is Now VISIBLE <3

“A Goal Without A Plan Is Just A wish”

New Start. New Outlook. New Body.

Okay so here I go… Diving head first into my future and incredibly excited about what is to come! Here is day ONE of my fitness journey and so I see it as appropriate to list my goals and come up with my game plan, because “a goal without a plan is just a wish”.

I am already receiving backlash from many who are saying “are you crazy? you are starting a fitness plan a week and half before Christmas!?”…. Well… yea?…. The way I see it, if I can get through the holidays with saying “No!” to cheese and cookies and cakes and all things yummy around Christmas time then really, in theory, I should be able to get through the rest of the year like its a piece of cake (no pun intended). Plus, haven’t I had ENOUGH holidays full of eating and drinking and being merry? I mean, that’s why I am here to begin with 😉

Here is my first round of goals. I am sure these will be revisited many times and will change throughout my journey, but as I said.. This is my first set. My first draft. I am still working on thinking of appropriate “rewards” so I will fill those in shortly. The important part for me right now isn’t the reward, it is the goal itself. Once I hit these, I will create more… But right now I think it is best to do baby steps, and take it piece by piece. Day by day. Otherwise, it is just too overwhelming.

Current Weight: 222 lbs

First Goal: Total 5 lb Loss                 First Goal Weight: 217

Reward:

Second Goal: Total 10 lb Loss          Second Goal Weight: 212

Reward:

Third Goal: Total 20 lb Loss              Third Goal Weight: 202

Reward:

First Big Goal: “ONE-DERLAND”… AKA getting below 200lbs. When I hit 199 or below I will be on CLOUD 9. Because I have not seen this number in a long time… This is the goal that seems daunting to me right now./ I have yo-yo’d above 200 for a few years now and have always given up right before getting under the 200 mark… Well, just made excuses – “I deserve a break, I have worked so hard”, “I’m too busy, I’m too tired, blah, blah, blah”! Not this time! NOT THIS TIME! Blood, sweat, and tears – whatever it takes – I am getting below that freakin’ 200 number.

My plan: I am doing the weight-watchers online program. I have paying for this program and simply not giving it a chance or actually using it (yea HUGE waste of time and money)… So today I slapped my wrist and I am diving in. So far so good.

On top of counting points (which is essentially counting carbs, proteins, fiber, and fat), I am also diving into gym time again (another item I have been paying for and not using – bad! bad, bad, bad!).. This evening I will be jumping back into working out, after a long (LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG) time away… Stay tuned – if I am able to move tomorrow I will write about my experience 😉

And finally, last but definitely not least, I will be replacing my drink choices with water… Nothing. But. Water. Okay I am going to have fat free milk as well so that I get some good ol’ calcium intake (and will be counting these points accordingly), but I am going to replace my coffee/coke/juice/etc… with good ol’ H2O. And I will treat myself occasionally to my diet soda, because I simply cannot live without a diet coke here and there 😉

So there it is.. I have put it on paper (well, at least in print) what my goals are, what my plan is, and where I am starting. Whew! What. A. Load. Off. My. Shoulders.

SO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put Down The Food, Pick Up The Pieces

 

When I first began my journey as a blogger and a woman who was so lost in her own denial, I never imagined I would be at the place I am today. Six months ago I began this blog as a diary of sorts… As a place to put all of my frustrations, all of my fears, all of my worries that stemmed from being the newlywed to an active (and hopeless) alcoholic. I saw the hopes for my future and all of my dreams flash away, and in their place grew this dark hole that held nothing but anger and resentment… and sadness… and fear… and all of the many emotions that come with being the spouse of an alcoholic and addict.

I made myself a promise six months ago that I would take back my life. I would look out for myself. I would get stronger. I would become ME again. I have held to that promise, and while I sort of expected to immediately become mentally strong while at the same time get back my physical strength as well, I never realized that it just doesn’t happen that way. It. Just. Doesn’t. Happen. That. Way. The same way I couldn’t control the situation I was in as an EXTREME codependent, I could not (and cannot) control the current situation I am in with my recovery… Yes, RECOVERY. Many people who have never been in a situation as a codependent don’t realize that you go through a recovery similar to that of the alcohol or addict… And it doesn’t have to be a situation with an alcoholic or addict, it can be any situation in which you become the primary care-giver for someone else and completely and totally lose yourself along the way (without even noticing!). Whether you are the loved one of someone who has an addiction to drugs or alcohol, or food, or porn, or gambling, or any of the hundreds of other addictions out there.. or maybe you are the loved one of a person with an eating disorder… or a serious illness (whether physical or mental)… You see, you can become codependent in any situation in life where you become somewhat of a caregiver to another human being. If you feel responsible for them, if you feel as though you can help “fix” them, if you feel as though you can/cannot do something because of the effect it will have on them, if it is constantly “them, them, them” then you are probably to some degree a codependent.

See, I never thought I was until I had my own awakening to the fact that I am, in fact, a codependent. And once I realized my own fault, I was able to detach and let go of my husband and his faults and focus on my own healing. And in doing so, I allowed my husband to focus on his own healing. Because this is my journey to recovery, and he is on his own. Neither of us are responsible for the other, we are only responsible for ourselves. A daily struggle I still face. A struggle I will most likely face the rest of my life. This is why I am a recovering codependent. It isn’t “I was” a codependent, or “I used to be” codependent. I am codependent. I simply am aware of it now and can own it now. What a great feeling. What a great reality.

So in my awakening to where I allowed myself to get to in life… that low point where I simply could not bare anything more… that point where I started to really find myself and focus on myself again. I also began my journey to the realization that this isn’t an overnight fix. I immediately wanted to get back to the size 6 body I had. To get back to the outgoing, fun loving, social butterfly that I was. I didn’t realize that it would be small baby steps at first. But now I do 🙂 I was not mentally strong enough for the physical part of my recovery journey. But now I am. It took 6 months to get to an okay place mentally and emotionally. Today I am okay. Today I am better than okay, I am great. Today I can say that there are more good days than bad days, more happy times than sad times. Today I feel like me again. So today I feel confident in taking the next step… the step to physical recovery. You see, the past several years took more then its tool on my emotional and mental state… it also, for lack of better words, shit on me physically. Lets face it, I discovered that I love food… I mean I LOVE FOOD. Because food loved me.. it was nice to me.. it comforted me. I am an emotional eater…Happy, sad, and everything in between, food never betrayed me. Until it made me fat 😉 And so today I step on the scale and am a hefty 40 pounds heavier then I was when I met my husband, and a 60 pounds heavier than I would really like to be.. I mean 70 pounds heavier then my ideal “HELL YEA” weight… but 60 pounds more than I really should be. 60 pounds heavier than my comfort zone. So what is one to do about this significant road block? Bypass it and take the fast-track detour to morbid obesity? No, I think it is best to start taring down the barricade one pound at a time.. one day at a time.

And this is how I got to this post. I sit here writing this because I knew I wanted to keep journaling, and keep blogging (because the writer in me yearns to be let out). I initially thought about starting a new blog – a blog on fitness and health, on losing pounds and gaining self esteem. But then I thought no… I can’t do that and I won’t do that. Because my health journey is apart of my recovery journey. Though I may start writing more about my goals and my experiences in my health now, I will not lose focus of why I am here… My past and my experiences with alcoholism, depression, and codependency… because all of these things go hand in hand. And because this entire journey is constant – no aspect of it ever fully goes away or is “cured”. My hope is that my followers will not abandon this blog but will respect my new vision even more since they sat through the storm with me and have seen the highs and lows of my journey to self discovery. And I hope any new followers can appreciate this even more because they can see how personal this fitness journey is. And hopefully someone out there can relate and can find hope and inspiration in the fact that they are not alone. I am so excited to take this next step! So very excited. I plan on being very personal and very honest in my journey. No holding back. Because that will only help me along the way. For example, I can say that I weighed myself today. And I cannot even believe that I am putting this out there into the world but my weight… (I cringe as I write this)… has ballooned to 220 pounds. YIKES. I know, I am cringing too. I am grateful because I discovered that I carry my weight proportionally, meaning that I don’t gain weight in one area over others so everything evens out (although it would be awesome if all that weight went straight to the boobs!)… I am also grateful for being tall (for the first time in my life), because being 5’8″ does make this a little easier since I need to lose less to be at an ideal BMI. (Trying to look at that glass half full here – ha!) I am admitting my starting point. My next blog will be about my goals and how I plan to tackle this monstrous 60 pounds. I hope that those of you looking for some inspiration (or even just some laughs) will stick with me and keep reading. I know this will be hard, but hey, I have been to hell and back – literally. The things I have survived the past few years shock me — I am pretty damn proud of myself. If my mind and body can get me through the past few years of craziness then they can get me through this. They are pretty awesome. I am pretty awesome. There is my daily affirmation 🙂 Happy Monday, Everyone!

Stay tuned… 😉

Depend on the Lord <3

“Never be too hard on the man who can’t give up drink. It’s as hard to give up the drink as it is to raise the dead to life again. But both are possible and even easy for Our Lord. We have only to depend on him.” – Matt Talbot

Yes, You Can!

Hello Friends!

As I have been walking my own path through recovery as a co-dependent I have learned so much about myself. Healing is an incredible thing. Recovery is a beautiful thing. I have been (painfully) reading this book that I often refer to in my posts called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. If you haven’t heard of it before then check it out. If you are curious about codependency, question whether or not you are codependent, or feel as though you are overwhelmed with life due to your attempts at helping someone then this might be right up your alley. I only say “painfully” reading because I am learning to recognize so many behaviors that I have as a codependent. I am taking a huge self inventory, and boy can that be hard! I sort of always knew I was codependent but didn’t even know there was a term for my behaviors. When my counselor recommended this book to me I thought “what? no way, I’m not codependent. There is no reason for me to read that”… Truth is, this book has opened my eyes to so much. I realize so much ABOUT MYSELF now and I am thankful for so many gifts that this book has brought me.

As I come to the end of this book there are two things that really speak to my heart that I thought I would share. The first is, I am not responsible for other people’s feelings or why they feel a certain way. Sounds pretty obvious but let me clarify… My husband comes home from work and is obviously upset. My go-to in this situation is to ask what happened, why he is upset, who wronged him and try to fix it and make him happy like he is a child and I am some superhero who has the magical ability to change moods… Or how about my in-laws, who for YEARS (about 15 to be clear, or in other words LOOOOOOONG before I ever came in the picture) refused to believe their son had a problem and as soon as his wife (that’s me!) comes into the picture they all of a sudden have someone to blame his drinking and behaviors on (ummmmm, can we say denial?!)… Every time they treat me a certain way, are stand-offish to me, are cold, my go-to move again is to obsess and try and figure out what I did, what I said, or what happened to make them upset… I would obsess about making them happy, showing them I am a good wife, over-trying to make them like me… AGAIN, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMEONE ELSE’S FEELINGS. I am not responsible for them liking me or disliking me. Lets dive one step further and state that I am not even responsible for them hating me if I were to come out and call them a bunch of assholes. I would never do that, but the point is that I am only responsible for my actions, not how they perceive my actions or how they choose to react to them. The same goes for my husband. I am only responsible for ME. Whether or not he chooses to get angry, run away, drink, yell, whatever – is his decision, and is zero responsibility of mine. I am not saying that this gives me a reason to fly off the handle and be a total bitch or do whatever I want without feeling any guilt…. I still have to be responsible for my actions, I am just not responsible for other people’s reactions to my actions. WOW. What a concept! I am free!

The other idea that spoke worlds to me is that I CAN! Yes, I CAN! I can do things. I can decide things. I can live! Codependents have a tendency to struggle through the easiest decisions (Where should we go to dinner? Ummmmmmm…. I don’t know). And we have a huge habit of ignoring big decisions all together (where do I go to college? Should I quit my job? Should we move? Do I leave? Do I stay?)… I am so guilty of this anti-decision making that it is scary! That is why it was so awakening to learn this about myself. Like I said, I am learning so much! And I will only continue to learn… It is scary at times, but so very, very EXCITING. And so empowering. My life is literally turning right side up right in front of my eyes all because of me and what I am doing for myself. I am not only learning to love myself, but also to respect and admire myself. I am a pretty phenomenal being… All of us are! In our own unique ways. We are all so different and have so much light to bring to this world. Stay true to yourself! Happy Monday, Friends!

“This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man”. – William Shakespeare

Choose Happiness, Stay Centered, Keep The Faith

In my journey of life, I have come to find that my faith has really kept me grounded and centered. Words such as these have helped me in my darkest hours and have granted me graciousness and serenity in my happiest moments as well. I hope that everyone is able to find their higher power, as you see Him, and to turn to that power not only when it is needed most to keep you afloat, but also when you are in your happiest moments, when you wake up and just say “Thank you, God”. 

1 Praise the LORD. How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel. 3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4 He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. 5Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. 6 The LORD sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground. 7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving; make music to our God on the harp. 8 He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills. 9 He provides food for the cattle and for the young ravens when they call. 10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man; 11 the LORD delightsin those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. 12 Extol the LORD, O Jerusalem;praise your God, O Zion, 13 for he strengthens the bars of your gates and blesses your people within you. 14 He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat. 15 He sends his command to the earth; his word runs swiftly. 16 He spreads the snow like wool and scatters the frostlike ashes. 17 He hurls down his hail like pebbles. Who can withstand his icy blast? 18 He sends his word and melts them; he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow. 19 He has revealed his word to Jacob, his laws and decrees to Israel. 20 He has done this for no other nation; they do not know his laws. Praise the LORD.